Path of Thorns

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S/M as Sacred Magic

Before we can discuss the sacred nature of S/M it is necessary to define S/M, usually pronounced S (ess) and M (em). Sex, and particularly "nontraditional sex", has been demonized and clouded with mystery, misinformation, and misunderstandings.

Whenever there is something that is *not nice to talk about* the silence will be filled with lies. Sexuality and all its diverse sacred meditations is no exception to this rule. 

What is S/M? Sado-masochism is the term for sexual expression that focuses on the body's reaction to pain or other stimulation which is not usually considered pleasurable. By the strictest definition, a sadist is one that derives pleasure from another's pain. A masochist is one who finds pleasure in her or his own pain.

In the beginning

 

(under construction) 

safe, sane and consensual

Safe

Sane

Consensual... what is consent?

rack (risk-aware consensual kink)

 

Safe, Sane and Consensual

Avoiding harm. One of the goals of all responsible s/m enthusiasts (who are usually called players and who refer to s/m as "play" or "play dates" to emphasize the playful nature of erotic exploration, roleplaying etc) is to avoid HARM to self or others. There is an enormous difference between pain and harm. Pain is a temporary state. An intense spanking may result in bruises that take a few days to fade. No harm was intended or caused. HARM is any injury physical or psychological. Between many players a bruise or welt is a sign of pride and a reminder of an intimate encounter. An unwanted hickey that brings someone censure at work is harmful as it may cause damage to their career. Damage is never the goal of S/M. For this reason, communication is the first seed of successful S/M. This communication should be seen in negotiation prior to a "scene" and in after-care following. Players should NEVER play outside their ability to safely assess risk and refrain from harm. In practical terms, this may mean don't use toys you are not skilled at. Research play before you attempt it. Wherever possible seek mentors and support people.

Consent

informed consent is mandatory in all sexual encounters, any time you are trusting someone with your heart and body. This is eleven times as true in S/M. I will explain (later) in greater detail what qualifies as informed consent. First let me begin with situations in which consent is not possible.

* Minors cannot consent.

The power disparity in our society between adults and minors, means that they can never be equal partners. Consent cannot exist within such power inequity. Consider the american history of enslavement of african-americans. Thomas Jefferson had a lover whom he legally owned as a slave. A slave cannot consent to a sexual relationship with a master. What are the consequences of refusal? You cannot give something you have no power over. Consent implies the ability and equality of request/refusal. Minors who have limited legal rights, who cannot drive or vote or drink, who have restrictions on their ability to make money, to travel, to own property, etc. are not the equals of adults who have those rights. Minors can only exchange consent between equals: other minors. Even consensual sex between minors is fraught with legal and social difficulties. Few minors today even know what their sexual rights are and what reprecussions may occur if they exercize rights which their state or community do not allow them. Can you have informed consent without that info? No. Do not confuse consent with desire. Yes, it is possible that Jefferson's "mistress" loved him or desired him. But she had no ability to leave or refuse. Her state of mind did nothing to change those realities. True Consent is more than just "wanting it".

 

* Anyone who is drunk, high, asleep or in an altered state, cannot give consent. 

responsible play

divinespirit